Recent Page 1

2 x 1.5"

My brother works at Disneyland - I'm so lucky!  When it first opened he got me in to see 'Honey I Shrunk The Audience', a 3-D extravaganza with images that popped so far out of the screen that people were ducking!  I came home inspired,  fired up the torch, and started trying to duplicate the effect in beads, and came up with Carpe Diem (Latin for 'seize the fish today... not!)   It's a serious stinker to make, because I have to build it up in layers from the inside out, so the seaweed, tail, fins, seaweed, body, side fins, more seaweed and head are all at different levels, and all it takes is one smeared seaweed strand to ruin the whole thing. But when it's right, the fish look like it's coming up thru the water.  They're exhausting to make, but boy, the effect!  (Inspired, Fired, and Tired?  Could be a country song!)

$165

4 x 1.5"

6 x 2" 

And these are their parents - two inches longer, made up with 15 beads, more or less.  As they reach maturity Lizardos absorb their legs and grow an extra set of arms, but they've still got a death-grip on those posies.  And their cute spotted floral caps with the twisty striped rims are still in place, covering the huge bald spots that Rogaine just won't fix (it's hell, being a lizard...)  And thanks to Leo D. for becoming rich & famous & making this rancid pun possible...   if he wants one, it's his.

2.25 x 1"

These are medium size; I can go larger or smaller (larger costs more)

These had been called 'Sitting Kitty', and I requested rename suggestions, and sure got them!  The two winners (of nothing... I'm cheap) are Georgia H. for 'Committing Four Paws'  (I *love* pretentious French puns) and Wendy M. for 'Picture of Pawsperity'.  Thanks, bead babes, you're my last defense against writers block!   Anyway, here's a pic showing three of my spiffiest compound beads, with rhinestone rondelle collars.  I like this design a lot,  have been drawing it since I was 7 or 8. The first ones I made in glass were a bright yellow-gold with black spots, and after I saw Men In Black, they all got sunglasses (Cats In Black!).  They look good in ivory with black spots, and dark gold with stripes, and I do a pretty mean Siamese.   And aren't Russian Blue Cats a nice bright shade of...... nah.

$185      1.75 x 1.5"

It feels really good to be able to say 'My bead design can lick your bead design', and really mean it.  And it's a hoot to be able to come up with a name that's better than the bead!  So here's one where the cat has assumed the normal company position, leg in the air and tongue extended.  But it's not as tacky as it looks, mostly because I wanted the face to show.  She (or He, if you order the Luxury Optional Ballage Package) is in the middle of a cleanup job on her belly button  She has a nice fluffy tail and a little white butt-spot around the other side of the picture.   (continued below....)

$225

3 x 1.5"

This is one of the hardest beads I make - it isn't symmetrical, and it takes a long time to get all the various body parts placed where they should be.  There are so many things sticking out in all directions that I regularly stick toes on the end of the tail (hmmm... maybe I'll leave it there for the Nuclear Pet Series...) This cat comes in solid colors only, no dots or stripes, because I like the contrast, and if I had to coordinate patterns as well as body parts I'd go stinkin' insane!  This one's on a box, because the farther up the furniture a cat sits the better the licks taste, especially when there's company around to see it.  

3 x 1"

When Craig Milliron (Owner and Chief Tinkerer of Arrow Springs, one of our major tool & equipment suppliers for hot glass work) asked me if I could make him a Labrador retriever, I said "POOF! You're a Labrador Retriever!" and he turned the hose on me.  After I'd had time to dry off & think about it, I said "Only if I can put the Lab in a lab coat, and call it Meanwhile Back At The Lab'.  And Craig said, 'Will it have a cat head in a test tube?'  And history was made, because I'd found someone who made me feel normal.  So here it is... a compound bead with head and body separate, so the head can move around while it's being worn. And it has a flask with a cat head inside, just like Craig wanted, the blood-thirsty so&so. The tail curls up the back, the hands and feet are notched with toes, and it has a spiffy Swarovski collar.  Not too bad for our first collaboration, but I live in fear of our second...

1.75 x .75" approximate, they can vary a bit

When the elves go on strike, Santa brings in these guys to take over the toy making operation.  These are the stinkers who are responsible for those rubber animal noses with the elastic bands that you can get at The Nature Company, and the Big Mouth Billy Bass and Singing Lobsters that show up on late-night TV commercials, and pink flamingo lamps, and the little yipping wind-up dogs that you see running around on those tables in front of toy stores.  These guys have a lot to answer for, but they have an excuse... Santa trained them by making them read Elf-Help Books.  Think that was a rancid pun?  Just pray I never get around to doing a  'Rudolph The Red Knows Rain, Dear'  bead....  or the Lewinsky holiday pendant,  'Santa Monica'.  

2.5 x 1"

I didn't make up this pun, darnitall...  I saw it on a Christmas Card a couple years back, with a little dog in a Santa hat.  And it was so bad, it just stuck with me, so I made it into a bead.   It's a 2-piece compound bead, with the dog and the Christmas present separate, linked together with copper wire so the dog can spin on the gift.  He's a Chihuahua, done in ivory glass and wrapped with lights, and the gift has a red & white striped bow.    And there's a sheep in this series, Fleece Navidad, right below... 

$112 with lights

$85 without

1.5 x 1.5"

These Christmas beads are scattered all over the place, aren't they?   But I just don't have the strength of character to take on the nasty job of grouping all the like-kind beads together on the same page.. and it would diminish the Joy Of The Hunt that you probably get when you're trying to find that one bead you saw last time, huh???  So... here's Fleece Navidad, and it's pretty cute.  The wool is done in ivory, and I blob tons of little polka dots all over it and only melt them in a little way, so the body is round and nubbly, then I wrap it around with little strings of black glass and add the Christmas lights.  Plug it in, and instant lamb chops (guess if I ever did THAT bead I could call it Mutton For Punishment...)  A couple of these on a necklace that's beaded like a fence might be kinda cool!   Question - Do any one of you actually count sheep to go to sleep, or is this some strange parental myth?

3 x 1"

Yep, Nip. Catnip. A Controlled Substance, against the law to possess in 257 countries.  Street value $400/gram.  Banned after the Great Cat Uprising of 2002... but wait, that's another timeline.  In this one, cats are still our friends... but have you noticed how they watch us?  With a kind of considering, calculating  look, as if they might be thinking "I can take her..."   Nah, can't be.   

So here's your basic innocent, angelic Holiday Cat, clutching her Flowering Nip Buds in hot little hands, squatting on top of Archie McPhee's Big Box O' Nip and contemplating sedition, insurrection, rebellion, conquest, damnation and lunch.  Just typical cat musing.   Gotta have one, dontcha? 

4.5 x 1.5"      not counting tail 

I'm Caught In A Trap, And I Can't Get Out, Cause I Love Cheese Too Much Babyyy...

And thanks to Kathleen Smail, owner of a mousetrap necklace, who came up with this truly spiffy title.  Only problem is now I'm gonna have to figure out how to give the darnthings sideburns, sunglasses, and wide glittery belts. Mousetrap beads started out as a joke, but certain strange beadbabes are wearing them  in public. I'm afraid... very afraid.  Cheese Beads are also available, and there's a tacky version with a little mime (whiteface, striped shirt, beret) in the trap, because A Mime Is A Terrible Thing To Waste (see? I was able to sneak the pun in AGAIN!) 

 2 x  2"

WHOO HOO, I've finally Achieved Penguin!  And he has a hollow tummy, so he's not as horrifyingly heavy as he could be, and of course that makes him the Official 'Before Lunch' Penguin.  The older versions had hands, but the Penguin Lobby lodged a protest and threatened action (tho what kind of action can you get from a penguin? Probably a lot - these days much of their legal work is handled by Opus.)  Anyway, this guy's sitting on a pale blue transparent ice cube and has a bellybutton and a tail in the back, and the required big fat non-slip penguin-toes.  Note: the Pet Psychic tells me he doesn't read Bloom County, and could use a fish.    

3 x 2"

Yep, the name came first, a pun so rancid that I had to make the bead. In the wild state, these guys put terror in the hearts of Jurassic Corn!  They all have T-Rex bodies with pig faces and curly tips to the tail, and fancy rhinestone collars - a common Fashion Statement 80 million years ago... paleontologists really hate having to dig thru 50 feet of rhinestone strata to reach the bones. These guys come in pink, but the polka dot and spine spot colors vary due to migratory patterns, climactic conditions, current top ten rock-n-roll hits (this guy was born to 'Blue Suede Shoes'), and diet.  But bellybuttons and butt dots are standard features with all of them.      COMING SOON -  JURASSIC PORK & BEANS!

1.5 x 1"

When pigs fly, they look like this. They're made of pink Effetre glass, with transparent wings edged in ruby-gold.  The bead hole is horizontal, and in the best anatomically-correct manner, goes thru the mouth and exits under the tail.  Add a poochy stomach with bellybutton, big brown or blue eyes and little cloven hooves, and you have achieved Swine Flew... and there is no cure.  FYI, did you know pigs can't get sick, cause they have to be killed before they can be cured?     

2.5" x 2.5"

You think I could leave a pun like this just laying there?  I was fully intending to finally make the definitive Jurassic Pork & Beans, and it just didn't look right with the little clawed arms holding all the fava's... it just wasn't the same without the I'm Gonna Grab You gesture, and there really wasn't anyplace else (that was tasteful) to stick the beans.  So I scrapped the idea, and made a big fat hollow sitting porker, stuck on the veggies, and THAT worked just fine!  Of course, it works best of all in the Roadkill Series, check out The Silence Of The Hams - tire treads on the back, Fava clutched underneath.  Just Stinkin' Brilliant, she murmured humbly.....   I think there are pics on the next page!

4 x 1"

Speaking of cannibalism... no, let's call it recycling.  I've been drawing this design since about the 6th grade, and here comes the Dairy Council and sneaks the idea right out from under me!   Daisy's caught in the act - milking herself, holding that chocolate sandwich cookie, with a white moustache and a guilty look.  She's a 3-parter, with the head, body, and giant cookie platform separate pieces.  You can just barely see the tail looping up her back.  

This bead and the cow infested necklace that went with it were accepted into a pretty spiffy museum exhibit, put on by the Dairy Barn Arts Center in Ohio.  It was kinda like cheating, sending them a cow.  Nah, no it wasn't!  And now she's  in a hardback book, and got to tour America for two years.   FAME!

Note: this is a really old picture, and I can make em way better now.  Next time I get an order, I'll update the image...

1.5 x 2"

And when the flocks are flying south for the winter, you'd better duck under the lawn chairs.  These cute little stinkers are from a necklace I've been working on awhile, called 'Fly Me To The Moooooo'.  Wings are transparent with cowspot rims, the hole runs horizontally in the mouth and out the butt, and the beads are weighted to hang in the right direction.   In the south during the season, hunters set up blinds, stock em with artillery and beer, and bond with each other while shooting the bull...  sorry.  That was excessive, wasn't it? I don't make the little ones anymore - too hard cramming in feet, bellybutton, udder, tail and wings.  Order a piece of the herd and I'll toss in some cow-spot filler beads for your necklace or earrings (no cow pies... that's another bead altogether!)

$15 ea. flies

1.5 x 1.5"

So I was in the my luxury studio (snicker) with the TV on, and the Sci-Fi channel was doing 'Swamp Thing'  and suddenly I found myself  making frogs beads, no idea why.  The first ones were normal, then, like the Swamp Thing, they started mutating.  First the colors went bright fluorescent & tacky, then the frogs were holding big fat juicy flies, then there was one without  legs on a little wheeled cart  (thank goodness it exploded in the kiln, or I'd have Far Side lawyers after me), then the neighbor ran over the cable box between our houses, the TV went blank, and I was SAVED!  But the evidence remained, a kiln full of loopy amphibians in Frog Heaven.  They're disgustingly, barfably cute, desperately clutching big fat blue-eyed grinning flies to their chests and dreaming about lunch.  Gotta have one, dontcha? And for that complete necklace or earring experience, I can make you lovely little anatomically correct - this means they have bellybuttons - flies, with big blue eyes and frosted wings.  Mature, sophisticated women DO wear house flies in their ears, trust me... I even have a babe in Portland walking around in public wearing a mouse trap! Your life won't be complete until you have some, ya know?  And how *do* flies land upside down on ceilings?  I did it once at a party in college, and don't remember how I got back down...

1.5 x 1.5"

And these are the ones that have already eaten - see the little pooched out stomachs?    These guys are the ones with mutated colors - orange with dark green dots, yellow with turquoise dots, periwinkle blue with lime dots, and various green froggy combos.  Since Artistic License is being exercised here, I can make em any darned color you want, the heck with nature!   Unless you specify otherwise, these guys are always cross-eyed, because they look so much sillier that way, and because that's the way frogs ARE.  In college I spent time in a marsh  tracking frog habits for a bio paper, and found that ALL the frogs out there were, like these,  cross-eyed, lethargic and grinning...  but  that may have been due to the prostitoads.       

2.25 x 1.5"

I told you it was a bad day at the torch!  As all of you probably know, baby frogs, much like small children going to swimming pools, are taught by their mothers not to pee in the water.  For frogs, this means hiking to the nearest 7-11, lurking near the restroom door, and dodging in as the customers go out.  Only problem is, sometimes they fall in, hence the name above.    SO here we have a happy frog on a pretty darned good ergonomic, low flow toilet,  pre-flush,  pre-pipe slide,  pre-ocean exit.  This toilet has Tidy-Bowl transparent blue water, but I can also make it with clear water and little blobs of frog poop (green, ya know?) on the bottom.  Feeling flush and want just the toilet?  Yours for $85!

So, you thought I didn't make beads from life?   

Think Again!

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away / I used to stalk & kill & breed & play /  Oh I believe in yesterday / Suddenly, I'm not half the cat I used to be /  There's a scalpel hanging over me /  Soprano Meow came suddenly.... /    Why'd They have to go? I don't know, she wouldn't say /   I sprayed something wrong /  Now I long for yesterday..ay..ay...ay.. /  (repeat chorus)                             applause!    whistle!      stomp!     encore!      standing ovations!    record contract!     fame!

2.25 x 1.5"

(too bad you can't see their big fat perky butts...)

There are a lot of Goddess beads out there, but they all seem to be done in the ancient tradition, the Earth Mother Nature Goddess with beautiful flowing hair and twining trailing vines and flowers.  We desperately need a Contemporary Goddess who reflects the Issues of Modern Culture and Technology (and doesn't object to a lot of Capitalization...)  And here she is, in two of her incarnations, Gravity and Anti-Gravity.  As the Gravity Goddess, she floats weightless, with her hair and her copious boobal-structures aimed at the heavens, and what my father would call a big shit-eating grin (he's from Kansas, they talk like that there).  And when you flip her upside down, she becomes the Goddess Of  Bungee...  ain't that just seriously cool?  Aren't you living in fear of what I might come up with next in this series?  Best part about it is now at shows the Bead Babe Husbands hang around my table looking for Goddesses.  Men... In the words of the Immortal Foxworthy, this is the only thing that's on their minds: "I want a Beer, and I wanna see something Naked".  Perfect Husband Gift.  These Marvelous Works Of Art are available in classy ojime ivory, or tacky trailer trash pink/gold (shown).  fyi, The two in the picture live in Australia now!

2 x 1.5"

You don't honestly think I'd let a pun like that slip by un-beaded?  I found it in a Mother Goose & Grimm comic strip (drawn by an artist with the same name as my brother, Mike Peters... I'm not altogether sure he ISN'T my brother, they both have the same warped outlook).  So thanks, Mike, it was a great pun, and I'm sorry I didn't think of it first, but you're certainly welcome to use some of mine (just send me a strip, and I'll send you a bead!)  So all it took was a little modification on my Loch Louie Monster bead -  I added sunglasses, a slouch hat and a really pretty rancid gun (yeah, yeah, I'm working on it), and there it was, a peculiar thing that archaeologists will be puzzling over in 500 years (can you imagine what they might extrapolate from our culture based on the beads on this website?  Shudder....)