Recent Page 2

1.25  &  1.5"

Another artistic breakthru...  I've finally figured out how to contaminate my landscape beads with eyeballs and bellybuttons. These are surface-decorated tabular beads, and the problem is, when I squash the base bead with my Husband Chaser mashers, sometimes they growwwww, and then I have to add more lily pads, more vines, more flowers.  So I can't guarantee an exact size on these anytime I make one! This is  Stephen King's fault....  I discovered the local library,  hundreds of books on tape, and I get sucked into the damthings and just keep addin' that glass and the beads grow, and grow, and grow.....   Needit!

1.5 x 1.5"

eggs approx. 1/2"

Poultry In Motion Series:  Easy Lay with Nest   (ACK!  sleazy pun alert!)

Yes! Plucky birds!  For years they just didn't look right, and it got worse after the Chicken Run flick, cause then they all started looking like those guys.  But inspiration hit, much like a bird splat, and it all came together. The first one had a flat bottom because I wanted her to be popping out of a cake (Pullet Surprise, ya know?)  But then I got distracted by the Easy Lay thing, and stuck em into brown nubbly nests.  They come with two eggs on the side, hardboiled and sunny side up, and I hang them as pendants below the nest. You can just cut em off if you want to use them for earrings.  I'm thinking about making little lava lamps for the chickens too, so they could be Kitschy Kitschy Coop.  And putting them in tutus (Poultry In Motion), and in Superman tights (Faster Than A Speeding Pullet). Oh, possibilities....     ***  SEE NEW CHICKEN DESIGNS on the Hot Off The Presses page 1 ***

5 x 1.5"

They're not called Tuxedo Toms for nothing...  and they're not really Toms, cause I didn't want to go tacky on these (but for a price.....   ahhhh).   This design is totally Mel Brooks' fault.  There I was, happily making beads with the TV on the Comedy Channel, and on came Young Frankenstein.  I was doing black & white cat special orders, and when the boys started singing (if you can call it that)  'Puttin' On The Ritz',  I realized that Tuxedo Toms couldn't be Tuxedo Toms without top hats, and the 'Black Tie and Tail' pun popped in from the Rancid Pun Generator (the doctor says it's located about 1.5" south and inward from the place in your brain that makes ears wiggle), and away I went, making Fred Astaire reincarnated in fur.  Thanks, Mel, for that and for 'There wolf.... there castle!'  and 'What knockers!'  and 'Damn your eyes!' and 'Sweet Mystery of Life, At Last I've Foundddd Youuuuuuu......'

3 x 2"

Here they are, for your viewing enjoyment, the rarely seen and even more rarely trapped Larval Forms of...  Bob!   The Alien Mosquito life cycle is a strange and wonderful thing.  Popping into existence out of nowhere (because they and Bob are, after all, Anatomically Incorrect), Alien Mosquitoes dive tail-first into Mars and Milky Way bars, suck out the innards, pooch out their tummies, and fly away, leaving the thin chocolate outer shell for me to eat  (burp). They search out a stinky pile of men's dirty stinky socks, dive in, and incubate TOTALLY UNDISTURBED for 9 to 12 years and eventually emerge in full adult Bob form.  Note: it takes 54,322 candy bars and several dozen socks to effect one Bob Transformation - that's why most Alien Mosquito Ranches have gone into Chapter 11.  Business stinks.  Literally.

The first of the joke series.   Know *WHY* he's called Bob?  Remember all those tacky jokes about body parts and names (what do you call two guys hanging on each side of a window? Curt and Rod..  The guy you toss in a pile of leaves?  Russell..)  Well, this critter doesn't have any arms or legs, and when you toss him in a pool.... BOB!  If he ever grows appendages I'll have to change his name.  This is a honkin' big pendant, and the more tail beads I add, the longer it gets!   It has Swarovski crystal rondelles on the collar (I've said this before, and it's true.. my critters wear Swarovski, or they wear nothing at all).  I can't get a good view of the face on the scanner, but there's teeth, and separate upper & lower jaws, waggling tongue, and the eyes are crossed and loopy.  I wear this at shows, and people are constantly groping my chest... wish I'd had it in college.

$250 

9.5 x 2.5 x 1.5"

I don't know his name, but I know his job... this is the guy who tends the beds of Sea Sponges. All his polka dots have air bubbles, so he can stay under for many hours.  He swims vertically like a seahorse so he can navigate the billowy masses of sponge, and he uses his four powerful arms to keep the sponges squeezed, releasing all the trapped water.  There are billions of these trolling the ocean floor.  

Can you imagine how significantly the sea level would drop if all the sponges in all the oceans filled with water?  This guy and his cronies make sure that doesn't happen - good heavens, we'd have to recalibrate every sea-level measurement in existence, and Mile-High Stadium would become Six Mile High Stadium...   but you'd still be able to breathe.  And the Mile High Club... but let's not go there. 

1 x 2.25 x 1.25"

Bob is a cartoony nutso-critter (did you notice?) and the Dragon Folks wanted something a bit more Mature and Sophisticated (snort!) so THIS is how my Classic Chinese-Style Dragons look now, very dragon-y and spiffy and just a little bit evil (for me, that's a triumph - seems like everything I make comes out barfably cute!)   

These are great for Modular Gifts;  you can snag a head to wear as a pendant, and then extort the rest of the body as a birthday or holiday gift from the Loved One Who Owes You The Most!  Just let me know you want the full body treatment for your head .....you know, re-reading that line brings up the most bizarre images... and contact me for shipping and packaging info.  And  please, DO NOT send back the head stuffed loose into a padded photo mailer - I don't ever want to receive an envelope of dust again. 

Ivory Dragon - Full Body    $350    9.5 x 2.5 x 1.5"

I truly can't figure out why I can't get a whiz-bang, world-class picture of this design!  The creature on the left was a real lollapalooza, but we couldn't get the head to angle to show the ruffles or horn extension, and the pic doesn't highlight its size and luxurious texture.  The head is a lot like the top head in the picture above, but you sure can't tell from THIS picture!  Gonna make another one, and try for a better image.  The dragon on the right was made as a special request with a longer neck so it could be attached to a chain at both ends and worn as a long choker - a great idea!  These have a *lot* of detail work - the back of the head and body is studded with glowy jewels made with trapped air bubbles, and of course they're signed with my signature cane! 

9 x 2.25"

Will plug in an updated image soon - they're way better now!

Meet the Asparagus Dragon - only 6" tall in real life.  The Asparagus Dragon Swarms descend on the fields during nights of the full moon.  Planting themselves tail-first into the soil, they balance between the tender new stalks and using the diamond claws tipping each of their long, delicate fingers, they carefully score the tops of the new shoots and braid them into tapered cross-hatched points by the light of the moon.  When they're done, the swarm flies away (I'll let you know what they do next when I figure it out - life cycles are so tricky!)  The A.D. Infestation has spread worldwide, impacting the asparagus crop everywhere -  you can't go into a grocery anymore without finding all the produce scored and braided.  Some suppliers have even tried growing asparagus in darkened sealed vaults, which produces a very tender, flavorful white vegetable, but the dragons have infiltrated these crops too.  You might as well get used to it....  these creatures appear to be unaffected by most pesticides now on the market and there's not much hope of ever seeing a smooth-tip asparagus shoot anytime soon.  Now, could you pass the hollandaise?  (Note: this is a really old picture, before I started doing fatter, fancier tails, but it'll give you an idea of what the Dragon Population looks like in color... will update picture soon.)  

The Un-named Dragon... NAMED.... or maybe not!

'Ivory Dragon" was uninspired, and I was having trouble coming up with a good name.  'Any ideas?'  I asked the Warped Core Group who troll this website, and got bunches of suggestions.  None of them are quite right, so it's still the Ivory Dragon, but nonetheless, WE HAVE A WINNER!

The winning entry  -  what does it win, you ask?  Not much.. just *FAME*, and commendations, and all the leftover meatloaves sent by the folks doing special orders who think they'll get a better bead by sucking up to The Hubby instead of me, and my serious and relieved thanks -  As I say, the Winning Entry comes from Frederica in Canada (don't blame the country for this) who observes that (1) Dragons breathe fire;  (2) My dragon has a hollow belly for methane storage; and (3) Being my dragon, it would do no doubt do things ass-backwards;  so (4) It is  FIREFARTER!    Everyone please genuflect in the direction of the northern border, in homage to the babe who managed to merge gaseous emissions and a  rancid Stephen King pun - I salute you!   The only question that remains is exactly HOW a FireFarter Dragon terminates the beautiful princess tied to the battlements?  Enquiring minds want to know....

3 x 1.5"

You can teach them to go, but you can't teach them to flush.   I don't know what was going on in the dream -  it must have a doozy  - but it woke me up at 3 am with 'Monkey Pee, Monkey Doo'.  And apparently I groped for the notepad next to the bed and wrote it down, and did a drawing, thank heavens, with an arrow pointing to the toilet and 'Pee, Doo' in block letters.  So I woke up the next morning and found a note written in Ancient Martian script, with a doodle that almost looked like something.  But then I saw the 'Pee, Doo' , screamed EUREKA!, raced down to the torch, and made these. Cool, huh? They're 3 pieces with seriously 3-D legs, and there's monkey poop and a little transparent yellow at the bottom of the clear center in the toilet.  Fyi, didya know frog poop is green?  And zebra poop is striped?  

2 x 2.25"

In a morbid mood one day, I decided to document the Family Diseases in glass, for posterity.  Actually, a strangely whacked gentleman in one of my classes at Flame & Fusion in Vista, CA. laid a 'Bet You Can't Make This' challenge on me, and planted down a bizarre little green and orange rubber toy he'd lifted from his kids.  It was cool, the body was arranged like that famous drawing of Leonardo Di Vi's, the one with the arms & legs positioned like a clock.  So I made the damthing, and it was so cool I started warping & modifying, and eventually ended up with The Family Germs....  Did ya notice? When you make it into a pendant it becomes Male  (snicker.....)

2.25 x 1.5"

Well, they can't stand all day!  Daisy's had a long, hard day grazing and shooting the Bull, and now it's the next day and she's been knocked over by a Bull Dozer (sorry, couldn't help it....).   This is a 2-piece bead with a black rhinestone collar, fat little legs spread wide where she sits in the grass picking the flowers that are doomed to be turned into cud.  The flowers are fresh and the all the pink anatomical bits are extremely perky, which is unusual in cows.  And there's a nice tufted tail snaking up the back... 

2.25 x 1.5"

temp out of stock

Now appearing in the cooling ponds at Three Mile Island, check out these roentgen-rich fish with a soft, trans-uranic glow!  These were invented in 2001, and were a major breakthru.  I've been fighting with dichroic glass for four years, burning it off or scumming it up every time I tried to use it in a bead, but then I applied Reason and Logic and found a shortcut - thanks to Coatings By Sandberg -  and viola! (that's French for YIPPEE, or maybe a musical instrument?) these came out just right. 

2.25 x 1.5"

The Fishes & Slugs all have a soft, silky glow because I gave them an acid bath to frost the glass before CBS applied the dichro coating.   BUT... there were a few I left shiny, and they came out with bright chrome flashy colors, like these guys.  They're made with clear transparent glass, and (insert whap! sound of kicking myself....) I should have flipped them over before taking the picture, because the bright shiny color coming up thru the glass on the other side is really wonderful. These should always be worn with the dichro side to the back...   whap! whap! whap! whap! whap! 

3 x 2"            

temp out of stock

I brought  all the new dichro critters to the Best Bead Show in Tucson in 2002 to see if they'd fly (ohhh... gotta try Flying Nuclear Fishin too!) and they were granted Approval by the Minions Of Silly Beads, so they'll  be part of my regular repertoire.  Repertoire - that's French for STOCK, as in "Can you see if we have any Duck Repertoire in the freezer? I want to make some risotto..."  Yep, we eat pretty well around here.. burp.  I can fit about 50 fishes/slugs in one dichro process, and will probably have enough made up to do another load in mid-2005.  Gotta do a bunch more slugs... they're just too cute! 

My absolute favorite in the roadkill series!   Notice the nicely crossed eyes,  the beautifully defined Firestone All-Terrain tire tread with sparkly dirt in the grooves - this porker was flattened in the California gold country!  Notice the perky ears and tail (rigor has set in) and the nicely splayed legs. Truly a World Class dead hog.   And his right arm is folded underneath, holding a ..  are you ready for this?   It's a .....   FAVA BEAN!!!      I sure hope Mr. Harris's lawyers think this is funny.....  

2 x 2"             

See the Amazing Indented Golden Tire Treads!   See another fine, fine pun!  See silly commentary as soon as I get around to writing it!  See my second favorite roadkill design!  

Another marvelous *SPLAT!* with the graphite tire tread stamp, and Viola! we achieved Dead Cow!  

 I *had* to make this because I woke up one night after a really strange dream, and the only part I managed to remember was the roadkill cow.  And one detail of the cow.  

Are you ready for the Stress, The Trauma, The Soul-Numbing terror of..... THE TOTALLY FLAT UDDER?   We're laying wagers on how far the milk squirted.  Anyone on? 

3 x 2"

It took years of training and a very patient seamstress with a high pain threshold, but SUCCESS!  All my cats sleep in full-length flannel jammies now!  This is Nicky 'The Meatball' Corleone modeling our all-new periwinkle blue polka dot drop-drawer flannel pajamas.  The outfit is complemented by washable, color-fast fuzzy bunny slippers, white bunnies with red noses, pink ear linings and little black button eyes.  They coordinate nicely with the cat - always well dressed!     But the best part is in back....  brace yourself....

3 x 2"

Ready for dirt box action, Nicky's butt-flap is up, his tail is out, and his hiney is getting a bit of a chill.  

This new design option will allow you to sleep all night - no more being yowled awake to unbutton the flap if your cat needs to hit the dirt box or execute the Hind-Lick Maneuver!    

It's hard to get a good pic of white-on-white, but there are big fat white cotton-tails on the slipper!  No detail is forgotten (except, darnitall, the balls - Nicky is male.  My only excuse is that this was a special order, and I didn't want to gross out the nice man who wanted it for a gift...)

3 x 2" 

Remember that glorious evening we first saw Miss Piggy dance Swine Lake with Rudolf Nureyev on the Muppet Show?  Ah... that was good television.  Or the time Paul Simon was singing Scarborough Fair, and wandered into Miss Piggy's fortune tent and she looked at his palm and said 'Sing Faster"?  That was GREAT television.  Now all we get is lousy reality TV and Anna Nicole.  Sigh.  As a tribute to Well Written Television Past, here is my version of Swine Lake, with bouncy tutu and butt and tail sticking out the back.  I would have loved to do her as Miss Piggy, but there are those #%#$#$@! lawyers....

3 x 1.5" 

I just had to, ya know?  The pun was just so rancid I couldn't let it alone, and pulled out the pink glass and gave it a try.   Who knew pigs had such great 6 Pak development?   And when I made this back in 2001, who knew that this would be our Gov?   I just loveeee California....